This morning, I went to an office team meeting. We had a relatively quick conference call followed by a lengthy discussion as to how to improve the Denver office. Things like integration and culture were discussed, all of which seemed like good plans. That is, until it was decided that we should work on the team building that morning by having the “new hires” share something about themselves that no one else knew about them. I panicked. In my heart of hearts, I knew that I would still be considered a new hire. I considered running for the door while I still had a shot. While I was formulating my exit strategy, the director called my name as someone who was so graciously granted time on the agenda. I was too late.

The first person told an amazing story about being an artist. I mean, she literally included a philosophical discussion about being connected to her work and had this amazing talent to share with the group and spoke about how she worked on the side. I sat, trying to listen and seem engaged but mostly having a semi-heart attack while hoping against hope that they moved around the room clockwise instead of counterclockwise.

I prayed that I would develop a cool hobby in those 45 seconds. How awesome would it be to say, “You probably weren’t aware of this, but I am a world champion bobsledder on the weekends”? Surprisingly, no new talents emerged. What could I possibly share about myself that would be something I want people in the office to know about me? All I could think of were inane facts that no one would want to know and I DEFINITELY didn’t want to share.

“I can sing the jingles of numerous childhood commercials at the drop of a hat. Skip-It, Yo-Yo Ball, Fruit Stripe Gum, KFC’s All-You-Can-Eat Buffet, Jenny Craig, Blow Pops…what do you want to hear?”
“My favorite kind of M&Ms are Peanut M&Ms. I love almonds regularly, but strangely enough the Almond M&Ms just don’t do it for me.”
“I made it all the way to Sid’s house when playing Toy Story on Sega, back before the days of memory cards and extra lives. I do best at SuperSmash Brothers when I’m Kirby. And I beat Guitar Hero II on medium.”
“On average, I press the snooze button at least 3 times before I get up. Sometimes more. And by ’sometimes’ I mean ‘usually’ because I used the word ‘average’ incorrectly in the first sentence.”

Seriously, I had nothing.

They went counterclockwise.

I was up. I froze - I turned red and I had nothing to say. Finally, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind: “My life’s ambition is to bench press my body weight.” Everyone gasped and laughed and said “Really? You can’t be serious.” I was. Kind of. And if I only weighed 40 pounds, I’d already be there.

I left the meeting vowing to get some new hobbies.