Have you ever had a moment of clarity, one when you realize that the thing you are most insecure about is exactly what you should be most insecure about?

One of my biggest fears is that I sound like the ill-fated offspring of Kerri Strug and Karen from Will and Grace. I can’t really hear how I sound to other people, so I don’t know how close my guess is. Fingers crossed that it’s slightly better than I imagine. But today I discovered that even if it is better (and by better I mean: less high pitched, less nasal-y, less obnoxious), it still warrants concern.

This afternoon on the phone, I was told I sound “like a little girl.” Now, this is a big step up from high school when someone told me I sound like Ducky from the Land Before Time, but still not something you really want to hear on a business call. She tried to twist it into a compliment, but I think that’s only because 1) I don’t think I did a very good job at not being completely dismayed and 2) she works for my boss (and me, the boss’ analyst, by extension). Dismay and bosses don’t go well together.

I was told that someday I would appreciate sounding younger than I am. I think that’s bologna (side note: I love using that phrase just so I can sing the song while I type the word bologna.) What’s to be gained by sounding younger? This is not like looking younger. I can see how it will eventually come in handy to look younger than I am (even if it does mean that I’m still getting asked when I’m graduating from high school as an employed adult…) But sounding younger? I’m not buying it.

I have been brooding about this one all day. Clearly something must be done. It is career limiting to sound ridiculous over the phone. And quite honestly, it’s kind of devastating to me that I sound anything closely related to children or cartoon characters. But voices are not so easy to fix - I’ve tried. So far, my ideas for executing Operation Baritone are as follows:

1. become a chain smoker
2. gargle with glass and gravel every night
3. become friends with Brian McNamee and try to boost my testosterone level through carefully administered “B12″ injections…
4. catch strep throat (one of my special skills), refuse to take antibiotics, and hope that my seriously infected tonsils can permanently aggravate my throat
5. take a vow of silence and effectively solve the problem
6. have my vocal cords severed (since we all know that #5 would only last 10 minutes unless I was compelled…)
7. become a doctor. invent some kind of surgery that lowers your voice. call it the James Earl Jones procedure.
8. wear a necklace that is so tight it semi-blocks my airway, making me sound a little more raspy
9. spend 6 hours every night after work screaming constantly so that my voice will be mysteriously “lost” during working hours
10. move to country where I don’t speak the language so no one will care what I sound like since I’ll just be unintelligible anyway
11. find a voice coach. then maybe I could actually learn to carry a tune AND not sound like a Smurf… win win win.

Luckily, I found a wikiHow that might be of use. I’ll start here. If this doesn’t work, then I’m headed to the list. Please let me know if there are any bright ideas I’ve forgotten…