Organized crime is alive and well in today’s society. Proof: my roommate and I have discovered a new Mafia front.

“Rachel, have you been wandering into small Italian grocery stores with seedy backrooms? Casinos? Nightclubs? Restaurants with guns taped to the toilet?” No. The front operation was cracked from the comfort of my couch.

You too have seen the commercials: their vile and obnoxious nature is immediately apparent even to the casual viewer, but now their sinister side is revealed to the world. If you’ve seen the commercials that advertise that “you too can have your horoscope information texted to your cell phone!” and can “be the first with the best smiley face wall paper on your phone!” then you too have seen the Mafia at work.

Do you REALLY think that there are enough people out there who purchase the “licking puppy wallpaper,” enough to account for the fact that the obnoxious adverstisements are played every other commercial break on multiple channels ALL DAY LONG? I don’t think so. There is no conceivable way that there are enough foolish people out there to make this a profitable venture. And I say that as a huge believer in the potential for human stupidity.

The answer is clear. These commercials are obviously a Mafia front. So if you are sorely tempted by the the prospects of “amazing jokes” and “dating advice,” beware that not only are you a moron who throws your money away, but you also fund organized crime. You’ve been warned.